A Heart Break to Remember

This may hurt, this may bring pain,

This may be the last, and all that will remain.

What started as a blissful light,

Bringing with it, all hope and full of might.

Enticing with anticipation and brimming with expectations;

Whispering a dream, a promise of new heights.

Coming too close, it burned too bright;

Scalding you and all in its sight.

Consequently reaching a tragic end;

Falling devastatingly, with few ways to mend.

 

I wish, I wish, I wish.

I hope, I hope, I hope.

That that day will soon come,

When it all starts to make sense.

When you finally find the secret code,

Or when you uncover that one good quote.

Conveying a lesson, unique, only its own kind;

A sense of perspective, a pair of lens you were meant to find.

 

Something you carry as life moves on;

A hymn or a note that you will always turn on.

To remember the good, the bad, and what laid in between.

A reminder that a heart breaks only once,

And that one is all you need.

Sadness: A fuel to my writing

I have always felt that being sad was normal, that sadness was always part of life. I have accepted it as a necessary evil to know what being happy means. Of course. How else would you know about happiness if you did not know what it felt like to be sad? Interestingly (or maybe uninterestingly) enough, these are the times when it brings me back to writing. I have looked at a lot of writers and it seems like this is the norm for them as well. Yes, there are other emotions that fuel their writing the way that sadness does. However, history tells us that sadness seems to be a stronger fuel and driver to write beautifully written poems that stands the test of time. Think of Emily Dickinson and Edgar Allan Poe.

What is it about being sad the compels one to write? To form words? Not only to form words, but to seek them? To look for them? To bring them to life? What is it with feeling sad that pushes you to release it? Maybe because you do not want to feel it. As normal, as useful, and as recurring as this emotion is, no one really wants to feel it. It brings about this hole within you that makes it really hard to cover up and to fill again so long as that emotion stays. Alas, as fleeting as every emotion is, it too shall pass; you just have to let it go. What better way to release it than to write it out? Some may turn into something better than how it originally started. Some might never see the light of day and is just meant to serve its purpose and never to be heard off again. But think how beautiful it could be if it only it were given a chance? Writing gives it an opportunity. I would like to believe that as writers, this need is innate within us. So much so, that it comes naturally without even thinking about it; without force and without order. Just a need, like we need air. So write it out. Write ’till your heart’s content. You never know how beautiful it will turn out to be.

Snippet 3. After the Rain Has Come

10.9.16
How does the saying go? There’s a rainbow always after the rain. Waking up to a beautiful sunny morning after a cold, wet, rainy day is certainly close. Living in a place with the prefect blend of wildlife ruggedness and the luxurious comfort of a city, its easy to fall into the trap of expecting a golden morning everyday. Easy enough that being hit with the reality of changing seasons as the rain comes pouring in, sends most of us into a spiral of complaint. Nonetheless, we do not forget to appreciate a wonderful weather – always a point of conversation with friends and strangers alike. A bright sunny day is a reminder that sometimes small things do matter. It may not be a game changer nor a lifesaver, but its a little bit of positivity that one needs to push themselves to start the day, or maybe, the pull that brings one back to what matters the most: starting it at all.

Snippet 2. Nature. Beauty. Life.

08.18.16
Standing atop the beautiful Quarry Rock after a long but worthwhile hike. Watching it with one and a million other people sharing the same sentiment about its beauty and grandeur; it stirs something in me. Having always enjoyed immersing in nature, remembering school field trips consisting of trekking national parks, feeling the stream of rivers, and venturing into unlikely bat caves, forces me to be present in this moment. Beholding such a view, with the sun shining brightly, feeling the rush of adrenaline in my veins, never fails to remind me how beautiful life truly is. Deep conversations, talks about a future brimming with potential, it rekindles a light; igniting a spark that slowly grows into a fire. A fire strong enough to fuel the ever-so-fickle doses of inspiration to continuously burn. Sparking the faith that there is a better tomorrow, enough to overshadow all the doubts of an unknown path. Indeed, there are endless possibilities. And the best part? Realizing that it’s all within your reach. This view – and all the future views – is a proof of that.

Snippet 1. Coffee Shop Musings

10.8.16

 Sitting at a Starbucks coffee shop in the middle of downtown Vancouver fills me with both nostalgia and longing for something that has happened to me, something that I have always wanted to experience. Sitting in this coffee shop, tasting the almost finished grande mocha (my regular) as I soak in the typical coffee chats and chatter. All the while observing couples and singles alike walking in the drizzling rain casually strolling, reminds me just how life can change and move on. As a little girl, I’ve only read about being in such an environment. The thick, weatherproof jacket reminding me of a different, colder weather. The ankle-length leather boots telling me that I have adapted and can survive. A sweater so comfy yet stylish, showing me that it’s possible to have both. Finally, the sound of various unknown words spoken in ways that is familiar and yet so different. Diversity, variety, movement – all things I never thought I would ever experience when I used to daydream in my little pink room in a house in a third world country. Only reading about such experiences but silently wishing one day that I can live it. And now I am.

Self-reflection: Your bird’s eye view of yourself

One of the interesting topics that we discussed in one of the workshops I attended today was self-reflection. We discussed and went about the process of doing it and the benefits it can bring you. Throughout the workshop, it was interesting to hear about how other people reflect (if they ever do), and how often they do it. Personally, I believe that I reflect a lot and that I do it unconsciously as opposed to being forced to. Some people, apparently, have to remind themselves to do it. This was something that I really found to be interesting, mostly because my experience has mostly been doing it unconsciously. Naturally, I thought everyone else did it this way too.

This got me thinking really hard about what self-reflecting is and what it means. I started to think about why do we even do it in the first place — whether we do it unconsciously or not. As a person who does it unconsciously, I can only speak from that point of view. I guess the best way to start is to define what it means. Self-reflecting to me was a lot about reminiscing the past, thinking of the life I’ve had and being grateful for it. Additionally, it also seems to me to be a lot of learning more about myself and how I have reacted to certain situations and why I did so. There is sometimes this discrepancy between the way that I think I should act, at least logically, in specific situations and the way that I actually act instead. I found that figuring out the reason for the gap between these two to be, at least to me, the best way to find out more about myself.

I guess this ties back to one of the major topics that has always been asked within almost every personal development program: who am I? In this program, we get trained as to how do we know who we are, how do we figure it out, and what are some of the ways for us to start figuring it out. Funny enough, this is also majorly connected to the objective of one of the clubs that I’m personally heavily involved with — Passion Club. As the name (so obviously) suggests, it aims to help students find and discover their passion. And that starts with figuring out yourself and who you are. What I’m trying to say is that, one of the biggest questions that I have about life is finding me; and eventually my place in this big ‘ol world, is not mine alone, but one that is shared by everyone else.

I think this was one of the major reasons why I invest so much of my time and energy into these two organization. It’s my way of learning more about myself indirectly. The nice thing is that I actually am already starting to do it. In the act of self-reflecting often (at least I believe so), is already in itself, a major start. I may not yet be at a certain point in my life where I can say that I’m almost there (and pessimistically, may not even get there anytime soon), but it’s good to know that I’m subconsciously finding a way to get there. It’s not to say that all the efforts of finding myself by joining such and such organization is wasted. In fact, it’s a confirmation that I am on the right track.

You know what the funny thing is? I discovered all these through self-reflection.

Restlesness for the weary

To not worry about anything is one of the greatest things that could ever happen to me at this point in time, given how jam-packed my schedule has been. And yet, for one reason or another, I find myself wanting to do something; wanting to be distracted from my own thoughts, looking for something to keep me occupied.

For weeks and months, I’ve been wishing to have this time with no deadlines to worry about. Now that it’s here, it’s like I want everything but this.

Times like these are when I am thankful I have writing to confide in. It helps me sort out my thoughts, giving me a way to relieve myself of all these emotions.

Maybe I’m burnt out. Maybe I’m feeling too much at one time. Either way, the only thing I know I can do is to write out this restlessness and transfer it from my thoughts, let it flow through my fingers, and finally seeing it rest on a page – or a screen for this matter.

And you know what? I’m feeling better already.

Am I a writer? The thrill of having written a to-be-published article

I just completed my very first journal article yesterday. The feeling? Elation, turned into stoicism. I was relieved that I was able to finish the journal on time and within the deadline, but also came to an understanding that finishing the content is just the first step. Though it’s not the first time that I’ve been published (arguably the third time, if the second article I wrote gets published first), but it is the very first time that I was writing an article because I wanted to get published.

The very first article that I wrote was just something I did because I had something to say. Whether the article got published or not, or even the reaction I received from that article didn’t really matter as much. It was just something I was asked to do, had the time for, and decided to blindly plunged into. The second article was a requirement and was something that I had to do, whether I cared to write it or not. I was also restrained by a specific theme for the article, which can be both helpful and limiting, depending on how you look at it. However, this article is different. It was something that I purposely sought out to write. I wanted to do it, I wanted it to be written, and I wanted it to be me who gets to write it.

This feeling – the thrill, the excitement of writing an article that I absolutely wanted to write was just all too consuming. It consumed my thoughts for days ,such that I can’t move on and I could not do anything else (meaning other deliverables) if I did not finishing writing this article. Heck, it even pushed aside the blog that I was supposed to write a week ago.

This consuming, burning desire to write this particular article has opened up a new thought, but has also raised a lot of questions about me and writing. Yes, it showed me that I do have a passion for writing and that I can spend my time on it as I sort out the thoughts in my head, and then experience the joy of seeing it come alive. However, it did ask me to ponder and think: is writing something that I can actually pursue, career-wise? Now let me explain why this is a dilemma.

All the energy and passion that came from me showed that this may just be something that I can pursue, professionally. My issue is, if I only write during the times when I want to, is it really something that I can pursue after school? I hope that makes more sense.

But you know, after writing this whole thought process out. It got me thinking. Maybe it’s okay if I don’t decide right now if I want to turn it into a career. Writing has always been something I wanted to do, but was always at the back burner for so many reasons – one being, because I didn’t want to be a “starving artist”. I just couldn’t live that way. But then again, it neccessiates the question: do I really love it enough?

Thankfully, it’s okay if I don’t have the answer right now. That’s why I have writing to figure it out. 🙂

how anime spurred my creative self

Most people think that because anime or Japanese cartoons are just for children because they’re just cartoons. What they fail to forget is that, though there are anime shows made for children, there are a lot of things that we – including myself, can learn about life from these shows. How is that possible, you ask? Think about who made these shows – adults like you and me. People that have a story to tell, but decided to share it through drawings and caricatures instead of a film or real-life people. Why, you may ask? Maybe because it’s easier that way; cartoons have a lot versatility compared to real-life films and can express emotions and experiences in a way that real-life films cannot.

I am on the verge of completing the second season of the anime show Inuyasha – a childhood favourite. I forgot what drove me to watch it again, as I believed I already got over “cartoons” and so have been watching mature films such as the likes of Breaking Bad, Game of Thrones, and Mad Men. I cannot for the like of me, remember what made me click on the first episode of Inuyasha instead of the next episode of Mad Men. Childhood nostalgia? Perhaps. A yearning for something different? Maybe. What I know is that I’m glad I went back and watched it again. It reminded me why I enjoyed such shows in the first place. It was just the trick to get my mind to start “working” again.

After school finished and I finally had a well-deserved break from commitments, responsibilities, and obligations of academics and volunteer life, I felt worn out and dried out, creatively. I felt that I couldn’t write anything or could not produce anything artistic; I felt that I had no creative juices left and dried up my pool of creativity. For someone that carries this imaginative side as mere hobby, this struggle becomes all too real. As a psuedo-artist that hopes to one day have the time to let their mind wander and get lost in other worlds, I used this as a way of figuring out things in the “real world”. I find that there will always be this need, this desire for a retreat.

I miss getting lost in my thoughts; swimming through and searching for hidden worlds, forcing me to write it all down for fear of losing it all. I felt that I was losing this part of me;  that I was getting caught up with the so-called “realities” of life. But I decided to take a deep breath, leave the obligations of this life and just go back to that bubble of a world that I call my imagination. Nothing like being able to finally swim after much longing for the sea. It was like a breath of fresh air. Like finally being let out into the open after being cooped up in the house for too long. It’s the feeling of creative freedom that you can only experience once you’ve allowed yourself to get lost.

For many people, this seems other-worldy, even — dare I say it, crazy. They see it as childish and foolish; things that I, as a 23 year-old should have grown out of. Either that, or be labelled as business student in the wrong program. I should be thinking about the future, thinking about my career prospects, what kind of job I should have, the grades that I need to get, and ways on how to increase my productivity. These are important things they say; these are what I should be filling my mind with. Not those useless stories and cartoons that I should have outgrown. They ask, what are you, 7? I should be worrying about “real” problems and “real” life. Whenever people ask me this, it makes me question: what is “real” life?

For a young adult, the “correct” answer is the life that you are living in; the life where you should be looking for means to an income. That is the real life because that is what everyone worries about. To deny and to question it is to be called “stupid”, “crazy”, or a “maniac”. I think most forget that those declared geniuses today, were once declared as madmen during their time. Comedian Oscar Levant, considered as a creative legend, said that “there’s a fine line between genius and insanity”. Well, who is to say that genius and madness is not the same? For people who are geniuses, tend to be mad men in the end. Great artists get lost in their own world and only comes back up for air once in a while — and bringing with them what we hail as great works of art. Or maybe it’s not even madness. Maybe it’s just a way for people to escape the realities of the world to come out a better, and stronger person than before. Even if it means getting lost in anime shows once in a while.

why you need a passion project

As I was reading on the gazillion reasons for why we need to blog, I was reminded of our recent visit to this wonderful park called Deer Lake. Honestly, I have no idea why it was called a Deer Lake even though we barely saw deers, nor is the lake shaped like a deer. But if I have to guess, it was because of the street where it is located. Whether the name of the street or the name of the lake came first – I have no idea. Chicken or the egg dilemma. So what struck me about that visit was the impact of going out and enjoying the outdoors gives you.

For the past few weeks, I’ve been feeling stressed out. I’ve been feeling like I’ve been grudging on and ploughing through everyday activities, which normally would have given me the satisfaction of being productive and accomplishing something. But now, it’s been giving me the opposite feeling.

When I start to feel like this (and I have felt like this, sometimes as long as months), I understand that it’s my emotions telling me that I haven’t done something for myself – whether it’s to read an engaging novel, watch an emotionally striking movie, or just really missing someone a lot. The busier my life gets, the more often these things starts to revisit.

Since I was in one of these states for the past few weeks, the visit to Deer Lake park was such a refreshing thing to do that though I may not have completely recovered from my unmotivated state, it has actually done something better: pinpoint the reason for this emotional turmoil. It was then I discovered that I needed to do something personal.

As a backstory, I’m a person that need to feel motivated to enjoy and to really put my heart into things (I mean, who doesn’t?). But, the thing is that, I’m very very picky and end up always being forced to do things for the sake of doing them. Things like chores at home, homeworks from school, and reports to complete. Since I was forced to do them anyway, what I did instead was to change my mindset and to see things in a more interesting way.

For example, when I’m doing a homework for a history class (which I honestly hated when I was younger, but enjoy now as a mature adult), I hated memorizing dates. I loathed going through the book just to highlight dozens of meaningless dates and end up highlighting the whole book itself. What I did was to make it more interesting by looking at it as a story. I was a big reader (and still am) and enjoyed a good story. I was also into arts and crafts, and hands-on projects. So I combined both my love for stories and hands-on activities by creating a colorful timeline. This definitely helped me pass the tests, as well as viewed history in a more interesting light.

Going back to my point, what I want to say is that I needed to start on a personal passion project – something on the side, and something I spend my time on, aside from my routine activities. I normally have one or two projects on the side that lasts for about two to three months, until it fades away and only to be seen when I rummage through in some distant future. But this time, I want it to be something useful, and something that I actually will be proud to show off, and will want to show off. So instead, I put on my own personal blog, which serves my online portfolio. I thought that this is an amazing idea, considering I am at that stage where I’m racking up volunteer experiences, and getting really into design and business. I thought that this would be the best place to try this out: a place to test my business acumen and eye for design. And so I did. Now I feel tons better!